The Pretenders: Battling Darkness of Depression in The Room while Try to Look Okay.

What if I say I’m not like the others? What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays? You’re the pretender, What if I say I will never surrender? -The Pretender, Foo Fighters

Hey, Kevin here, I’m on the flow so it can’t be wrong if I published two articles two days in a row, right? I’m in a shitshow where the shit is 80% of the show, so yeah, many emotions coming through right now, anger and all of its spectrum.

“Yes, I’m the great pretender, Just laughin' and gay like a clown, I seem to be what I’m not, you see, I’m wearing my heart like a crown" — The Great Pretender, Freddie Mercury

Pretenders.

One thing that depressed people were good at are one, overthinking, and two, pretending. I am really sure that you guys are already bored at reading my stories about overthinking (the earlier three stories were about overthinking, in general, but i explained it in a specific way). So I bet you are curious on the latter now rather than the former. Pretending, is a way to cloak your mental state to not being “sniffable” by the authorities, or in general sense, by the general people actually (the analogy is like a drug-sniffing K9 dogs, but really, dogs can sense that you are depressed actually).

So, back to the pretending. On the outside, you look like you were okay, you live like you are productive, nothing was ever happened. But, in reality, inside your grey matter fat-based thinking device, there are wars, a battle that doomed from the start, in which, whatever you do, 90% of the time you will lose. You try to fight it, but you can’t. Outside, you look okay, inside, there are floods of minds that looks like that Noah’s Ark story. You pretend as if nothing was happening, but you know there are a lot, and I mean A LOT has happened in the course of your life.

Many years you try to pretend, over the course of your life in crippling depression, or stress, or morose, or anything negative in your life. At some point, there are two choices that you finally have to choose; either you embrace your lies and dead inside, or be truthful and show your vulnerabilities to other, which there are 50–50% chance people will either accept, or ignore it and just think of you as a weak ones because they have no common sense or conscience to know that thing called empathy. Many benefactors included in this. You try to stay fine while you are not, and you just being so used to that and you live like that everyday.

You are not alone, many people experience the same thing as you, many people depressed. Heck, thousands of people died of depression each day even. But that thing never have to be the reason that people in your circle have to neglect the fact that you, in the brink of depression, needs others affirmation and validation of your own feelings, because depressed people has no sense of it, that is why they feel no fun in anything engaging and exciting, they have no sense of self, they feel hopeless and just absence in the most part.

Yes, you are not alone, but that doesn’t neglect the fact that your feelings need to be validated, and that is why people choose to pretend.

Battle the Elephant in the Room: Depression

Let’s get down to the rabbit hole of your mind: Depression. Again, on the outside, you look like you are fine, because you pretend well against other people. Inside though, you are a dumpster fire. Your mind is not even a cabinet of memories now, it is a mess, a fine hot mess of dumpster fire with some kerosene rain to ignite them more. Depression is again, a battle that 90% of the time you will lose. Many people don’t understand that and just rambling around about silver lining, forced positivity, all starts from yourself mindset, and just anything in between. Depressed people feels no support in that, and it is just more rut in their battle with it. It makes them feels like there are no support, because the only support depressed people is just one basic common sense that all of human beings have, or should have had: EMPATHY.

Depression can be fought by having a good support system, that accomodates and empathized throughout the journey. You don’t need some pep talks and motivation, all you need is support and understanding from your circle of people that you hope can understand your conditions and situations. Your cry for help is sometimes unheard, because people don’t empathized with you, and you will feel hopeless and have no true support system. In the end, you are all alone, yes, but walking through with support from closest ones make them feel at least not that bad, not that hopeless, not that helpless, and most important of all: being understood.

Depression, is like a huge bag full of negative thoughts that always stuck and carried in your head, locked and can’t be removed. It is like being inside a cage with the lock, and the key was thrown out to some volcano. That, can be the emotional baggage that you have to carry, even all throughout your life. Pretending all the course of your life is really hard, let alone being depressed. And it is a tough time to be in a crowd when you are depressed, because these two things will happened: First, you are all out of energy, and second you are absent from the crowd, feeling alone.

You are having a great battle with the biggest elephant in the room: Yourself. You should be prepared but actually you can’t, because like in the game of chess but your enemy just copied your movement. And what you think, yourself in the battle already know how to anticipate, while you don’t know what is your next step, and you don’t know whether or not the step that you are going to take is right or not. And your enemy, which is yourself but darker in thoughts, know how to get you checkmate, all the time, anytime. That is why 90% of the time, you will lose.

And it is not actually a battle in nature, it is just a squash match. You just have to take the beating, lose all the time, and then get paid. But in this case, you don’t get paid, and you are just getting worse, without any doctors available. Yes, the analogy is shit, but that is the fact that you have to take at the end of the day, you just get yourself into the losing game, which is doomed fromthe start, but you dipped your feet voluntarily anyway, without knowing that it will get worse, you just know that you’re gonna lose.

Love is not a losing game, fight with your own expectation is.

What to Do, What Not to Do, What Had to be Done.

Pretending is just bad for your mental health, and depression is a battle you will lose most of the time. So, what to do about it? Embrace it. Don’t try to please people with all the things you need to do to be fine and be accepted in society. If you feel shitty today, then so be it. If you feel happy the next day, it will be a different task to do, and don’t pretend to be shitty. Be vulnerable, be kind, cry if you can, don’t if you can’t. Don’t force yourself. Don’t shove anything to your mouth. Do when you feel like it. Be strong for the sake of yourself, not others. Stop if you want to, and walk if you want to. Run if you got to. Eat whatever, be happy with it, or cry about it. Eat when you want, not when you are being told to. Just don’t pretend, don’t try to please other people other than yourself. Don’t try to fit into society. Be weird, be together, but not the same. Be unique. Choose yourself, not be yourself. Be the stupid human being in the room. Be curious. Laugh yourself off. Cry your heart out. Mingle with someone you don’t know. Listen to the music you never hear. Meet new people, meet old friends. Make enemy, make friends. Do what you want to do, and what you need to do. Be good, be wild, be mindful, be present. Do everything, just don’t pretend, to fit yourself in, to feel sorry for yourself. Seek help, help others, help yourself. Be in the rut, be productive. Sleep all you want at anytime you want. Sleep anywhere, work everywhere. Do things you love, but don’t ever pretend. You are worth something, even just for a dime. Your feelings are all valid, if it is invalid, then get out, they’re not worth your time. DON’T. EVER. PRETEND.

„I say: “What you give, you give to yourself; what you do not give, you give up.” And this is to say that whatever you do in the world, you do to yourself; and whatever you do not give to the world, you lose.“ -Alejandro Jodorowsky.