The Hole of Justification: The Black Hole of a Heart at Loss and Grief

“Baby, I know pain is as natural as the rain, I just thought it didn’t rain in California. Baby, I know love isn’t what I thought it was ‘cause I’ve never known a love like this before ya. Baby, I know dreams tend to crumble at extremes, I just thought our dream would last a little bit longer. There’s a time when every man draws a line down in the sand. We’re surviving, we’re still living, I was stronger”

– Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend, “This Life” (feat. Danielle Haim)

Hey, Kevin here. This one particular theme is another heavy hitter of mine actually. This one triggered me so much that I am really hesitant to actually makes this. I want to talk about how mind works against us, that “hole” that is, and will never be fulfilled, because of our nature as a human being and our craving for more, while in the same time, diving deep in the complacency and comfortness.

The Hole

So, we are a human being. we have things to achieve for, it is our needs, needs for surviving, needs for living, needs for self actualization, as per Maslow’s theory. As a human being, we are striving for something, that insatiable hunger for more, and the needs for not just physical wellbeing, but also mental wellbeing. Needs for validation, needs for being unique, while being the same, “Be Together, not the Same” as Android’s slogan in the past. Fromm’s theory about freedom, that if I may recount as “Human is striving for autonomy, but craving an order” is not a lie, we have rules in our freedom, and we craved for the certainty in our life.

Here comes things that makes us human. The needs of achieving something so we can feel something. So we can be relevant. So we can assimilate with society. So we can identify ourselves as humans. That is the hole. The hole is the reason to be. That hole is the needs, what fuels our struggles of life filled with persistence and resilience. But not with depressed people. Depressed people sees this hole as the reason to make the depression gone, and it is the reason itself, made by our depressed minds to do something that is out of our ordinary behavior.

Depressed human beings see the certainty as destiny, and the hole is the uncertainty that we must fill in order to achieve order, that is happiness. It is not a rare occassion if we think about “if I have this, I will finally be happy”, or “if I do this, My life will finally be satisfied”. But in fact, it is not. That hole will never be filled, and that hole will forever be there. The hole is more like an endless pit of sinkhole to nothingness rather than a gutter that we can close. It is more proponent in depressed minds, because it makes us crave for something, because of anhedonia, or the behavior of losing interest in something that once excites us.

Depressed people will always think of filling that hole, and it is like being chased by a cast of our own shadow. Normal people will think of it as something that fuels us to achieve more, while depressed people think that the hole is something that needs to be filled in order for us to finaly be released from depression, wahtever the hole may be. Maybe it is buying things, that makes us do impulsive shopping, or maybe it is food, that makes us binge eating or stress eating. Maybe it is pain, that makes us do self harm. All of that, in order to makes us satisfied, with every dissonance and reasoning that “it will makes me finally happy” as a magic sentence.

“Whatever we’re after, Things are gonna change, Whatever we’re after, Everything will change, Whatever you’re doing, Clutching at my spine, Hijacking my mind, I’m at a loss for words” – Sondre Lerche, At A Loss for Words

Embracing the Hole, Not Filling It

The thing is, depressed people, again, in all of their dissonance and bias through achieving “happiness”, always try to normalise the activities of filling that infinite hole that swallow everything with nothing in return as a rewards, rather than accepting that it will never be filled and we should embrace that it is there, and realized that it will always be there, and it is not our job to fill it, but rather it is our job to know with what we fill it with. Realizing the question and answer correctly with the correct sets of logic, rather than trying to answer with throwing anything with impulsive behavior. It is hard to think correctly in times of depression, let alone functioning properly. All things drive us to, again, and I know this is boring, but, let me say this again; The Desire of Not Existing.

Why does it really important at play, while depressed people fill the hole to be freed from depression? Simple, because in the mind of depression, it is more black and white, rather than think every possibilities are in play. Either live without pain or die without pain. Either being understood, or being abandoned. Either feeling validated, or being ignored. It is as simplistic as that, and it is how people with depression needs a correct and strong foundational standings: sense of self (which, depressed people usually have none), and circle of good support systems. Because, one way or another, the benefit of the doubt is on oneself, and not the support system, rather, the support system giving their certainty to the bottomless pit of the self-doubt.

Support system is really justified the life and death of depressed people, because they usually fills the hole for the heart of depressed people. Giving comfort, support, and every mental certainty and even dignity that once lost, is important to people with depression, not as a first aid, but more of the temporary cure for the itch that will scratch off without making a wound. Depressed people are incapable of licking their own wounds, so rather than licking their own wounds, they leave it to rot, and support system that is foundationally strong is try to cure and mend that wound so it can at least have a less pain. Validation, empathy, shoulder to cry on (both in literal and figurative way), and being there not just when needed, but whenever the right time is, is a fill in the hole for depressive people, at least it makes the hole less noticeable, or even becoming more of an afterthought rather than a cyclical thoughts that back and forth, come and gone.

So, if you are the support systems, being there is all they need. Talk to them, accept their feelings, empathize, and support when needed, not everytime, because it becomes uncomfortable when what people needed is just an a-okay from other, validation, some said. If you are a people with depression, I really hope that you gonna get through it, it is okay to be sad, every feelings of yours are valid, and i really hope you can get through it, whatever it takes, and if you don’t feel comfortable or have no strong support system, please seek professional help, don’t wait until it is too late, and don’t forget, take a small step is a progress, rather than take a giant step then stop progressing, go with your own pace, and always see through your own capabilities, rather than fulfilling people’s expectations. You are matter, always.

“Only by being useful or talented, and receiving external recognition, would I achieve personhood. I couldn’t imagine a world where I was a worthwhile person by dint of mere existence; I felt like I needed to earn it and prove it every day. Don’t worry, this feeling went away after only several decades.” – John Moe, The Hilarious World of Depression