The Ghost of The Future Past: How Depression Affects Your Thought Processes

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Hello, been a long time innit? Kevin here, again with another of my writing. I’ve been in some turmoil these many days, so I’ve decided to stop writing for some time, just to regroup myself again, but I still write my journal though. Another update on my life, I’ve been hosting a session in one group of Discord called MSG, shortened form of Mental health Support Group, and yeah, it’s been pretty much a success every week. Gonna have some session hosting and some talks in September also, if you know, you know.

So yeah, these 8 months has been pretty much hard, or should I say, a hassle to live with. I was in withdrawal process because I tried once to not living with the meds, which I failed miserably as well, because of how hard the withdrawal hits me. Then, apparently 5 days of no meds feels like a train hitting me left and right, it is shitty, and it is anxiety inducing much.

Yeah, been 8 months since I was having some intense sessions, and meds. It’s been a rough patches here and there, but I’m progressing. It is good I guess, to some extent, but yeah, it changes my way of thinking a lot. I was still haunted by my memories of the past, and yeah, it is pretty hard, even with meds. No meds, woof, such a hard trip to ride in a day. Stuff that happens in my life in this past year have been changing my way of life and my thought process, like beaten left and right, and getting some patches, then hit left and right again, so on and so forth, rinse and repeat.

I’m having a lot of meds, day and night, and it makes me sleepy, and it is such a habit to do now to sleep a lot, out of energy, not just the mindset, but my way of life now, I’m trading my lunch break to sleep, and I’m just having a powernap whenever I could, or coffee nap. Now I can take like 3–4 cups of coffee a day and still feel sleepy, and yeah, I still have a bad quality sleep, like under an hour of deep sleep everyday. I’m used to it now, the tiredness and drowsiness become my daily routine, besides working, journaling, and meditating. My thought processes changes a lot, from everything should be face by brawn in mind, to brain and plan in mind. From unclean, to tidy, not everything was negative, but it changes my way of life in every way possible.

I am now, uh, lets say, more chill than in the past. I used less muscle, and more brain and just think a lot before I do something. All things considered, then I act, so I can avoid problems, but I will face my problems fair and square if need be. It is a usual things to me, my “second in command” nature has been flourishing these 8 months. Depression shows me that apparently I am more persistent and resilient that I was back then, to the level of annoying I guess. But that is what made me, me. People know me as a second in command that is always persistent and resilient in nature, and it just reinforced now, I am willing to get healed, and willing to change into a better person.

I am willing to change my mindset and willing to getting over something that I have in the past. Yes, I am not without flaw, but that flaw now makes me prouder than ever, because of how I try to accept myself and make peace with myself, which is the only controllable benefactors in the world, and I enjoy the uncertainty more now than ever. I guess, all things come to improvement of myself, for better or worse, just to get the better life out of myself.