Solitary Company: How Misery Affects The Reality of Being Friendless
“Nobody enjoys the company of others as intensely as someone who usually avoids the company of others.” – Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Hey, Me again. I realized that this past three months or so, I didn’t chat that much with particularly anybody, both online and direct conversation. Yes i’m feeling depressed, and yes I have no energy generally on communicating with anybody in general, let alone being in a crowded places, because I am anxious and tend to have a panic attack several times when I’m in public places, and most of the time I’m having a panic attack, I was alone, and that is shitty, it feels shitty, because I’m being a burden to someone that I didn’t know, for example, strangers, or, in cafe, I can make Barista’s life more complicated than their job. I don’t really like being in a crowd, since I’m having this anxiety and trauma because i got lost in the mall when I was a kid, plus this dysthymia, and this born in the stern family, so yeah, I’m particularly socially anxious.
If you remember in my first story about my depression, you guys can see that I didn’t realized that I am actually regret having not many friends, like I’m being envious of TBJZL, in that Sidemen video. Now, I am still craving for having many friends in my life, it is just not that much being prominent in my mind, rather being just in the back of my mind. I love being alone, having me time, and just working, or doing something in between. It is just, I have no one to talk to in particular, and it is tiring to have to mingle and just want to know other person to be my friends nowadays. I’m alone, I have a little circle of friends, and yeah, instead of having my friends to meet and talk, I just have my older sister and her boyfriend. How sad is that? Not that I don’t appreciate their time of being there with me, rather, I really appreciate them and just mingle with them, plus, I love their dynamic as a couple, some kind of like power couple in a sense of my perspective.
Solitary Company 101: You are Your Own Friend
Being friendless though, is not the same as being lonely. You can have many friends, millions even, and still feel lonely. But being alone in particular is not the same as well as being lonely. You can be alone in the cafe, and yet feel fulfilled. It is just, in times of depression, you can’t differentiate between being alone and being lonely. The cognitive dissonance is there, and potent one. Like being alone in the crowd means you are being lonely. Especially when you are a loner, it just triggers you more, simply because your mind is telling you, “You have no friends, how shameful is that, you sit there, with your gadget, being alone.” And yeah, it is dangerous. Even if you take a meds, like SSRI, there are no chance in holy sword of Archangel Gabriel you will have a different results. Remember, SSRI tries and conditioned you to be your baseline self, not better, but just a baseline ones. So, being a solitary company just reinforced that idea that even if you are not depressed, you have no friends anyway.
As the title of this chapter suggest, You are your own friend. As cliche or as cheesy as it can be, it is just a fact of being a loner, or naturally have no many friends. It is just the way it is, and it is just your nature to having not that many energy to share with someone else. You are just easily exhausted naturally being in a crowd. When in times of depression, it is just escalated to 11 real fast. Just moving around the bed, let alone going into the crowd, let alone going downstairs and meet your mom or your sisters, is already exhausting. Because your mind just thinking so much that it saps your energy to move. That is why actually we are not lazy when you are depressed, you are actually having burnout, depression. But if you are lazy, for God’s sake don’t blame depression, okay? Deal.
Having a friend, let alone friends, is actually need a proper maintenance, and when you are depressed, you tend to not maintain that friendship because you are already too tired to take care and maintenance to yourself. And yeah, for me, at least, nowadays after taking meds and all, I just being stern to myself, and remember that superpower? Yeah, i’m internalizing that vibes now. Not necessarily being a twat, just being stern and just being assertive to person around me, because I am too tired to maintain friendship, let alone knowing a new one. But Yeah, again, You are your own friend, but that doesn’t mean you are enough, you still need friends and people to have in your life though.
Solitary Company 102: Friends are Important, but You are Importanter.
You that read right. See? You read that wrong again. This title above is intentionally wrong, and yeah, it is my story so I have the control. Stoicism taught us to know there are things that in your control, and outside of your control. The problem is, it contradicts something that is just a nature of human being, being in control of everything. Friends, like other external benefactors, is out of our control. You are in your own control, and your friends are other individual, which have their own control like you have on your own. That is one of several reasons on why I am being stern to myself, and assertive now to others, because I control how I react, and I tell them assertively how I feel, and I just don’t care now how people feel about what I said, I care about how I care about them, and I care about them in general, but I have to pay attention to myself as well.
I, naturally have this nature of not caring about what people feels. Kind of twat actually, but it is because how my family shaped me in my childhood, about how my family is a bit rigid when it comes to throw empathy here and there, and just being stern and giving many tough love, because how my mom especially, being taught by her military based parents. I can’t blame her, nor my family in general, but that is just how it is in my perspective, and it is just how I took the lesson throughout my 28 years of my life. I am not showing too many feelings as well in general, apart from making laugh and comedy in general, or angry because of this pent up emotion. But nowadays, like this past 4–6 years, I learn so much about empathizing, being vulnerable, and showing my emotions more to others. Now, rather than shake people’s hands, I just hug them. I’m a pretty much a hugger now, apart from what is the gender of the people I’m with. I just hug everybody, and yeah, that is how nowadays i have and get friends. In the past, I am really stern on myself, but really a people pleaser, a great pretender, and see how many friends i have made throughout my life? Not much, countable via my hands’ fingers.
“I’m kind of a loner, but I’m also, sort of, People Person.” — The Driver, Vampire Weekend’s This Life MV.
Solitary Company 103: It is Okay to Do and Be what You Do and Be.
Many people come and go throughout my life, and sometimes I don’t even care, and sometimes like now, it triggers me so much it makes me depressed. Rarely something in between. But yeah, these past three months have been really tough, and many lessons learned, both for platonic and non platonic relationship. I don’t have to be a people pleaser and just pretend all the time just to be their friends. I’m now just being myself, and fuck them if they don’t accept me, I don’t really care, but if they do accept me, I will certainly show my vulnerabilities, and show them how I trust and love them, and listen to them in times of adversity, in the hope of it will reciprocate, though it is not like in the past now, I expect less of other person nowadays. But yeah, that is okay too if you expect and hope much to be reciprocated, it is how you love someone, regardless of how you do or how they do in your life.
And your feelings are always valid, and if it is mutual with other person, then it is good, but if it is not, then that doesn’t mean your feelings are not valid, it is just them that didn’t reciprocate your feelings. Again, it is okay, your feelings are valid, it is all good, not the end of the world, though if you are depressed because of it, I hope you can go through it. It is hard, but it is possible to know that it will passed. And one more, there is nothing wrong being alone, and there is nothing wrong being friendless, but if you hope you have many friends, then maybe now it is a time to start building your network if you want, but if it is not and just breaking down about that, then that is okay too, go with your own pace, do what you want.
Sometimes quality is important too, not just quantity, so never listen to what they say about quality over quantity, quantity is important too if you want to have it based on quantity. And yeah, it includes me, don’t listen to me, or read my story if it didn’t connect with your perspective, because You are your own friends, and you are what mattered in your own perspective. You mattered, always.
“Find someone who will inspire you to be a better person, who will make you laugh even when you don’t feel like it, and who is good to you no matter how tough things are. And strive to be that person for them.” – Anna Akana, So Much I Want to Tell You: Letters to My Little Sister