Fear, Depression, and Desire of Not Existing: Journey of Kevin, Seeking for Help.
Hey, I’m Kevin. thanks for reading my stories since the first one I made it like in 2017, until now. Thanks for being a reader. I have depression, a major one this time. Since December 2021 until now (if you read this in January 2022), I have a really heavy depression. This is my story of agonizing myself, and the request of being not existing.
FEAR.
FEAR OF BEING LEFT OUT.
The biggest fear of mine started since my father died. I’m so close to him, because I am the last children out of 4, and I’m the only son. I was really close to him, talking about many things, accompany him to car repair, and so on. We were very close, though he sometimes mad or anything, I still loved him. until that day, I was sleeping at my parents’ room, it was 4.20 in the morning. He started to gasping for air, his eyes were opened like really peeled, and i was shocked, my mom shocked. She jumped to the other side of bed and tried to wake him up. He can’t. My neighbor brought him to hospital, followed by us, the family. He stayed for like 6 days. At day 4, the doctor said that he just keep continued on living because of the medical equipment, and the doctor said that it was useless to keep him around alive because he can’t survived without medical equipment anyway.
I was asked by my relatives, can I let him go? for two days I said no, because I worried about him, missed him everyday, even I don’t have the appetite to ingest some food. I was 13 back then, and I just understand that he is sick, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m lost, lost at a battle of losing game, doomed from the start. At day 5 they asked me again, I still said no. They explained that it was useless and it will be a waste of money if I keep him alive with medical equipment. At day 6, I accept, with tears on my cheek, and I’m hysterical when they at last unplugged the equipment, and it reads zero on his pulse. I was devastated. I was left alone, I had no one anymore that can be shared with, I had no one that can buy me toys, and mad at me when I bought it above his max budget. I have no one that reminds me to protect my sister and mother, the last time we ride to school. I, have, no one. Months after that, I can overcome the grief, not crying anymore, but that guilt still lingers, until now, 2022, me, 28 years old. It took a lifetime to bear the burden.
FEAR OF BEING UNHEARD.
I lived with my sisters, and my mother. I live as the only guy in the house, the youngest one. Here comes my second biggest fear; fear of being unheard. I never wanted to be a burden of my sisters and mother, because I feel like I don’t deserve that, I never deserve any of that. Because I am the youngest one, my voice was never get heard by them. That makes me shy, not confident, and scared to give my opinion, because of the fear of being unheard. But at times, when I was mad, I can be highly emotional, I let them know that I was being mistreated, and I want them to hear me, so they can change. But I was never being the ear, I was always being the mouth, talking about being uncomfortable without wanting to know other’s discomfort.
DEPRESSION.
I’m having depression since 13, since my dad died. Always struggling with it, though I can kind of hide it well. In the past, I was such a spoiled brat, a crybaby. But not again like since my dad died. I was stronger, yet becoming a highly sensitive person and more vulnerable, it is just I can hide it well. I learned psychology at college, and that was when depression struck me hard. I have a small circle of friends, and I truly longing for friends to hug me and said “it’s alright” every time I’m being down and out. My friends starts leaving me. And I, was alone again. I resigned from college, and I started working. That time was hard, the decision to finally get out of college was filled with chaos in my mind, and even a schizoid tendencies like seeing something that is not there, and delusions. That is the second one I have ever been that depressed.
I have an uncle, my mom’s little brother. He’s the one that I called the second father, because he is so caring after my dad died, and he is the one who hugged me when I was crying like hell when I lost my father in hospital. My uncle died when I was in the college, like around 2017 or 2018. When I knew it, I don’t know what I was gonna do. The memory keeps on flashback, but I’m numb, I’m not crying. Until I was listening to Take That’s song called “Forever Love”, I was broke down. I’m crying like hell, all the memory of being with him all spurting out. I was again, being left out by the one that I loved. I was devastated, and fall again into depression that hardly ends. I was mad at God, why should He take my uncle, I was devastated, disappointed.
Now, in 2022, I’m having depression. Since December 2021, I have one. I have someone that in the end, fight and it ended abruptly. She blocked me on chatting app, and though the social media is still there, the final nail in the coffin is when she said that I am dead to her life. I read it on office, I was having panic attack, the severe one, and I passed out. When I woke up, I can barely move, and I’m just crying like hell. I asked my boss to pray together, and we pray, and I cry like hell, I can’t stand it, it is above my power and strength to face it. And the last one is when my probation on office is not continued at the end of the year. I am jobless now. I have no energy, i loss 6kg in a month, have no appetite, and everything is at me. I have depression until now, January 2022.
DESIRE OF NOT EXISTING
I have my depression, and I simply can’t hide it anymore. I can’t smile, I can’t laugh, I can’t eat, too much food that I see just makes me gag, and sleep is just the distraction. I have debt, I distract myself, starts from learning guitar, learning photography, until the unhealthy one like I can masturbate 4–5 times a day, because of I want to relieve by the pain. It is all temporary. The first time I felt love truly is when I passed out, my sister brought me to hospital, and when the bill came, I was shocked at the price, I hugged her and say sorry that I was, again, being a liability and a burden to others, even to the family. And what she said still makes me cry up until today, whenever I remembered it, it sounds like this,
“it’s okay, we can find more money, but you are my brother, you are more important, and don’t remember this as your debt, this is how much I love you as a sister.”
I was sobbing, crying my heart out. It was love, I felt love, I felt being loved. I was still devastated, but I felt love. When I was out of the hospital, they gave me several meds and one of it is sleeping pills. I was hurt, and I simply wants to die, and more, I want to be simply not existing in the first place. But every time I think of it, I always thought that if I die, I will make others’ sad and again, I’m being a disappointment, a liability, a burden. In this time of depression, I just want to die. Slitting my wrist and drinking a lot of drugs has appeared several times in my mind until now.
I told my mom about my problems, and she always said that I was stupid and don’t be stressed. I think that it is never helpful, I just want to be validated, and comforted by saying “it is okay”. Simple as that.
I never feel understood.
I watched a TEDx video of five person, that is:
- Jake Tyler
- Sami Moukaddem
- Kevin Breel
- Lori Pritcher
- Jayne Hardy
It all makes me sobbing, because of how relate I am with the topics that they brought up. It is really a hard time for me, even to just move to shower, or even to eat. I still remember when Jake Tyler’s video where he was talking about killing himself, and the shrink said:
“Do you actually wanna die? or do you just don’t wanna feel like this anymore?”
It hit me hard. I just realized that actually I just don’t wanna feel like this anymore. I don’t really wanna die. I just want to skip this phase and just move. But I can’t. I simply can’t. Up until today, I was still emotionally detached, irritable, crying everyday, feels like shit, still feeling don’t wanna be here. I feel like it is better for me if I wasn’t here anymore. There are too many memories of anything, and there are so many to cried about. It is just, beyond me. Beyond my power now, and I don’t think I can handle it.
I seek for friends, i have no circle of friends. I am longing to being hugged by a group of friends that understands me and just hug me, not talk anything besides “it is okay" or just hugging me. I am sobbing when i saw Sidemen’s video, when Tobi vote that he is not happy with life, JJ and all of the guys just hugged him, without questioning. They just moved, hug him, comfort him, twice. I am sobbing, because apparently I’m longing for something like that, things I never knew i needed, but I desperately need it.
SEEKING FOR HELP
I pray now. In the past, I took it for granted. Now, I pray 2 times, in the morning and in the evening. I pray for a lot of things, except myself being in the last place of my prayer. I still pray for her, so she has a soften heart and see me again as a human being, and not saying that I am dead in her life. Everyday I pray. Every. Single. Day.
I just uninstalled many social media app, just so I don’t have the curiosity to look at her profile again. I have the passion to do it, but myself always “slap” me to not.
There are so many things that I have taken for granted, and I still learn to understand and listen. I, now, seeking for help again, to shrink and to psychologist. I move forward a bit I guess. I don’t know whether it should be celebrated, but I think I start to move in the right way, I don’t know.
I don’t feel comfortable in my own body, and I tried to have a good fashion sense. I seek help from that. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being pretentious.
So, December 2021 has been a month of depression for me. Losing a person, losing a job, losing my confidence, losing my weight, losing a power of will, losing a confidence, and lit the biggest fear in me.
I can’t lie, the depression is hard, really, this is the hardest one for me now. It’s my shadow days, my age of worry. I’m still crying everyday, though i already seek for help. And I don’t know when will I get out of this. Maybe I’ll die because of this, I don’t know.
I never feel happy in this life, maybe it is too dramatic, but yeah, I’m not happy in this life. A few moments that makes me happy, but too much of ones that is not. I’m not sure if I can hold much longer, but I guess it is not that long.
Learned this the hard way, all the things. Thanks for reading this. It is just so heartfelt to me, and I don’t know whether or not I will write things again. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t have support system. I am alone, I am lonely in the crowd, or everywhere. I cried when I write this. Several times. I hope she read it as well, or not, or I hope she knows.
“To change is a big leap, because we (on depression) have no energy for that.”
And I guess I just feel like, giving up today.
Thanks.
