Fear, and (Self) Loathing (not) in Las Vegas: How Depression Twist Your Mind Against Yourself
“David… I know that you love your friends, but sometimes you have to put your needs ahead of others’. You have to take care of yourself.” — Virginia Grohl, The Storyteller (by Dave Grohl)
Hello there, Kevin here. Long time no see ey? Yeah, been off of writing these several weeks because of a rut. Sorry about that. But yeah, feel refreshed now, and take a moment of truth to start writing again, and just do, because I can. So, this topic is kinda hard, yet must be faced, because of how delicate it is, like “pick your poison” type of thing. Having many revelations and inspiration about writing this, many cries throughout the several weeks off, many book-reading, many struggle, and these training for emotional control, because in the past I was a scumbag who leads myself based on emotions and just being twat to others. Shitty behavior I know, but it can’t be helped, at least in the past.
Fear (of self)
“Even the oldest wounds can reopen, you know.” — Dave Grohl, The Storyteller.
So, I want to talk about how your mind is against yourself in the times of depression. Usually it is about your own self-resentment, rather than self-reflections, controlled by feelings and expectations, rather than self-control and awareness, and just pure emotional desire to either lashing out and irritable, than holding out and listen. It is hard to believe, but depressed minds are the minds of a workhorse, even when you are sleeping. You are just being tired all the time because of how your mind spent the last bit of energy just to think about many things that you don’t even realised was there in the first place.
Imagine you are in the colosseum, as a gladiator. You have this sword and shield, a big one. You are some kind of seasoned veteran. Then it came to fight one of the biggest enemy, except that biggest enemy is yourself, but bigger sword (like Zweihander, or Naginata even, whichever you prefer), a big shield like that Yu-Gi-Oh cards which has a 100 attack and 2200 defense, and just generally stronger than you. Then he starts to attack you, both with proximity psy-war like yelling and using some derogatory terms to you (or some sort of the one you hate, you BDSM lover), and just shouting at you, and just attacking you left and right.
You struggle to survive, let alone fighting them. Then in some point, you are just giving up and let yourself be stabbed or crushed with the shield, let your sword and shield swung out and you are naked now with no attack nor defense. That is how your mind against you when you are depressed. The stuff that pressured you in that weakest spot of yours just stronger, and sometimes you can’t survive, let alone fight the urge of not thinking about it, until your mental just break, you give up, and just let yourself drown deep into the darkness that you can’t escape.
(Self)-Loathing
“Those who end their lives are not the merely unhappy: they are usually those who have lost all sense of meaning. Purpose and value — which are products of storytelling — mean more to us than mood.” — Derren Brown, A Little Happier.
Remember, your mind is the strongest weapon. But, the strongest weapon can attack both ways, mind you. It can attack others, but it can attack yourself as well, depends on how ones use it. This urge of self-resentment because of how depression affects your emotional and overall mental state, and also the chemical imbalance caused by it, is stronger than when you are in a normal state. Your mind, most of the time, just against you in every occassion, and every moments, especially the moments of failure. That forced positivity heeby-jeebies like “think positively more” or stuff like that is not effective at all, and it just make it worse even. Why, you ask? Because your mind is not in the right place, and it just makes a reason toresent yourself even more, hence that strongest weapon are used against you, by yourself.
Self-loathing is normal, even sometimes effective on fixing yourself and be better, but in portion, mind you. In times of depression, it is unhealthy, the portion of it is like eating most of the space on your mind, and just all out self-loathing and thinking that you are not worthy and anything in between, without your own defense mechanisms of even try to wake up and make yourself functional to defend yourself from that thoughts. And it just eating yourself from within, piece by piece, until there’re nothing left mentally, of you, and you just given up on anything, including your life. You have no power to fight against it.
What Happens in Vegas (of your brain), Stays in Vegas.
“I was anesthesized when all I wanted to feel the surgery required to cure me.” — Dave Grohl, The Storyteller.
What will you do to cure it, or to fight? The answer is, not to fight it. It is not about giving up, no, it is rather about hugging your enemies rather than fight them. As Sami Moukaddem said in his TED Talks about “On living with depression and suicidal feelings” as I recalled (please note that you have to watch this, as I just recall the quote rather than actually verbatim-ed the quote itself):
“Rather than swimming against the current of the angry ocean, just accept yourself and go with the wave until you found the monster, and then the monster will tell you what to do, rather than actually want to fight you”
It is a sudden realization to me, as in the first place I actually was crying while listening to this quote the first time. It is my darkest times actually, and I just searched on how to cure myself independently (which failed miserably), and finally I went to shrink, and have meds and therapy sessions, rather than fixing myself that has already broken through and through. Now I am more comfortable on confronting others, with the stern and assertive manner both to myself and the others that I confronted. I am now more in control on my emotions, rather than let my emotions get the best of me. I am now having a routines of prayers, meditations, and journaling everyday for the past three months now, and I am more empathetic and more listening rather than trying to munch the hell out of it on the person that I talked with. I feel better, and couple of people said that I am far better now, that I learned it the hard way in the past that it changed me almost through and through.
Is it sad to learned that the hard way rather than learn that first then treat people good so you don’t have to? Yes, it is quite a morose. Do I regret it? Most likely. But do I learn and now be better and helpful? The answer is a big YES, though I still resent myself and regret anything that I have done in the past, still, I learned and change from it, and my self-resentment and self-loathing is now much of a background image rather than a mainstay on my mind. I try to learn anything now, rather than regret it later and learned after I failed. And yeah, that is how your mind works against you, and how to face yourself in the good way rather than in a harsh way. Treat yourself better, and be good to yourself, find way to treat yourself, find a way to be good and be kind to yourself. You will find it easier to be kind to others if you find a way to be kind to yourself first.
“Life would never be the same for any of us, and we were now all forever bonded by this devastating event, a wound that would certainly scar.” — Dave Grohl, The Storyteller.
End Notes
Why did I quote many stuff in this story on Dave Grohl’s book? The simple answer is: because i recently finished the book. The complicated answer? I was still in grief on Foo Fighters’ Taylor Hawkins’ passing. I am devastated and just crying when I knew the news, and I still get emotional whenever I listen to Foo Fighters’ “My Hero”, “Walking After You”, “Walk”and “Rope”. He was such a good drummer, if not the best one in my opinion. I feel what Dave Grohl felt when Kurt Cobain died, and now Taylor Hawkins, I can’t imagine how devastated it feels, to lost a best friend, a brother in arms, a family.I can’t imagine how it will again, scarred forever in his family, friends, and all the fans that loved him, including me.
Rest in Peace, Taylor Hawkins, you have a special place in your family’s heart, your bandmate’s heart, your fans heart, and even in heaven.
