Demon-Born, Born-Demon: How Impostor Syndrome Affects Your Depression.

“As wood is to the carpenter, bronze to the sculptor, so our own lives are the proper material in the art of living.” —Epictetus

Hey, Kevin again. been a week since I last posted a story. Such a long week I have been in today. First day of my new job, have a bad mood swings that is already going a week or so. Here I am, writing again, and didn’t feel like I’m in a rut. Still crying, mind you, but not that sobbing ones anymore, but more of sad one. Watching The Batman on the premier day and that is the first superhero movie that can make me kind of cried a bit. Not because of something in the scene (no spoiler, yeap), but what message it brought to the audience if you know the things behind it.

So yeah, talking about working and Batman, I want to talk about two things that are pretty crucial, and again, it sharpened up in the times of depression, and the thing is what it’s called “Impostor Syndrome”. So, to explain a bit, in a nutshell, Impostor Syndrome is things you feel when you do something and you kind of not sure whether or not you are worth the thing or not, or questioning your own capabilities upon something you do.

Demon-Born

Imagine this, you born in the family, grown up to be a healthy kid, with everything is just enough to have, not more, not less, maybe something in moderation, but all are sufficient. Then you starts to grow bigger, hits puberty, have partner or significant other. Then, rather than being happy with things that you have like other normal people do, you starts to questioning yourself, “am i worth to have all of this?”. Then you grow bigger, becoming a grown up, again, graduate from college with moderate GPA, not good, but not bad enough to getting dropped out. Nothing to shame about, right?

Then, people around you starts to congratulate you on your graduation. The question comes to mind again, “am I worth congratulating? I have a mediocre GPA, why should I be congratulated?”. You didn’t answer, not because you don’t want to, but because inside, you never feel like you are good enough. You already knew the answer, yet you don’t want to say it or thinking about it out loud because you are scared of how it would change your mindset, and you started to overthink about it, and instead of being happy about being congratulated, that thoughts took it away and change it to overthinking and that question starts to linger on your mind, until it becomes in the back of your mind.

Then, it comes to you again, searching for jobs. Eventually you got the job you wanted, because you seem fitting by the company, you are happy for a moment, but then, that question comes in mind again, “am I worth this job? I think my skill is not that good”. Again, the thoughts stole your happiness. When you work so good, then you got the promotion, and you are happy for a moment, before those thoughts again comes to mind, “Am I worth the promotion? What I did was usual, anybody can do it. Someone is more worth the promotion than me.” And again, it stole your happiness.

You become never good enough in your mind, and you just become mediocre, such a self-fulfilling prophecy, until what you think comes to fruition, and you just lamenting upon your life, and thinks that lamenting life and being mediocre was the destiny you’re made with. Being mediocre, just so-so, becoming a shadow of others, and never feel better about your good side until you give up and be less than what you capable of. You become a Demon-Born, a being that thinks they’re destined to fail, and failure it becomes.

“Thinking about writing it down seems pretentious, And helplessness may be the word they nail to my name, In a while. Stupid memory, Must you bring up these things? Stupid memory, Can I forget all of that?, All of that crap.” – Sondre Lerche, Stupid Memory

Born-Demon

In your life, you will always think about something until you die, right? In a normal people train of thoughts, you will sometimes get that impostor syndrome, that you are not that good to perceive something in the first place. But in the minds of depressed people, it is deadlier. Impostor syndrome is pretty much tame, because sometimes people didn’t deserve what they have because they just do what they do, kind of routines. If everything becomes a routine and no awards, we will never know that Leonardo diCaprio is worthy of Oscar, or Casey Neistat is one of the most influential people to me becomes a writer and just do what I do today. Depression take it up a whole another level, up the ante. Things that pretty much harmless becomes harmful. The thought of “am I worthy of this?” becomes “I am not worthy of any of this.” Questions, becoming statements. Doubts, becoming certainty. Again, such a self-fulfilling prophecy that actually your true self never want to face.

Once a thoughts of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be, becoming a truth to your depressed mind, and your mind just confirmed everything that is once just a questions to you. You aren’t worth the prize, you are never good enough to begin with, and you are just a pathetic loser that you are destined to be. That drains your energy because you overthink about it, and makes you don’t want to get out of bed because you are too tired to face the world and you just want to confirm that you are not that good, such a self-fulfilling prophecy you make, intentionally this time.

Impostor Syndrome was a gun to the head in the mind of depressed people. Many things can be a trigger to suicidal ideations or thoughts, kind of “pick your poison” things, but this one is the most dangerous of them all. Impostor syndrome leads to self-doubt, self-resentment, self-loathing, hopelessness, and yeah, like cancer did too to many people, death. Impostor syndrome becomes a knife in the hands of the invisible killer, waiting to be moved by hand and slit the wrists, or throat. It is the fuel to drain your energy and makes you dysfunctional and harmful both to yourselves as other people around you. Born-Demon, your thoughts are, and just become one with yourself as a Demon-Born. Death is inevitable, but this one is strong enough to make it faster than it should.

Times They are a-Changin’

Things that are really hard to overcome in the times of depression is the root of all the negative thoughts; your own impostor syndrome minds. I’m not saying that it is impossible, but it can be overcome, by process of embracing. Make peace with your own mind, rather than just yourself. Aceept the compliment, accept the hugs, be true to the feelings of affections, embrace all the positive things around it, and make yourself comfortable. It is hard, especially like me, who have dysthymia for 15 years, the needs of repeated affirmations and annoying questions to other people just to make sure that you are worth it, is always there to stay. But that is not because of you are proud of yourself, but rather because your needs of reinforcement so you can at last believe that you are not that bad, or at least deserved to receive something good, especially happiness and peace of mind.

One of the hardest things are your mindset of having happiness are something to be aware of, because it leads to another sadness or unfortunate events. That leads, again, to helplessness and maybe it sounds pretentious or repetitive, but back into that stuckness in the past, and all of future what ifs. You are just designed to do it, rather than embrace the fact that you deserved it, or even being proud and just being obnoxious to others by showing it off. You are the opposite ends of the curve.

What I want to say about this thing is, doubting oneself are sometimes a room for transform and becoming better version of yourself. Holding onto the feelings of never satisfied and keep hungry for more knowledge is the counter of having impostor syndrome, making your negative thoughts went away or becoming obsolete, because it just becomes a fuel to move forward, rather than being stuck. Believe me, you are worth it, not that cheap, but worth everything in this world. I still remember what Epictetus said about self-worth, and I will end this story with that quote. Good times people, thank you for reading. Cheers.

“Consider at what price you sell your integrity; but please, for God’s sake, don’t sell it cheap.” – Epictetus, Discourses and Selected Writings.

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Weird Coffee Person. Weird Watch Enthusiast. Weird Sneaker Collector. Catch me up on Sebuah Siniar.

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Kevin

Kevin

Weird Coffee Person. Weird Watch Enthusiast. Weird Sneaker Collector. Catch me up on Sebuah Siniar.

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