Bearhugged by The Darkness of Your Own Self: The Experience of Having a Deep Depression
Hey again, Kevin here. The story earlier is how I dwell into the rabbit hole of my dark self, the depression. In this story I want to tell you about how depression feels in my point of view.
Dwell into Doing Nothing
So, here we go. A journey everyday in the bed, doing nothing. Not because of the laziness. Because of how exhausted you are by thinking about yourself in the negative way, and how you memorized anything. Your energy seeped into only one part of your body and nothing else: your brain. What you do is nothing but in the bed all day, laying, check your phone but your mind wandering into your memories and “what ifs”. Your body is aching every time you memorized something that is in the past, or what should you’ve been doing rather than what you did.
You don’t want to do anything, because you have no energy for it. You think you can do things, but you have no power for it, and you just accept it. You dwell further into darkness, into nothingness, because of you powerless self can’t do anything to change that, and you just too tired to think forward. All you can do is thinking backwards, and blame yourself. You own the guilt.
Mind is Your Matter, and Nothing Else Matter, Especially You.
“I think, therefore I am”. That is what Rene Descartes said. But not you. You are the past self, you are your fault, you are everything that is negative that you did in the other day, in the other week, in the other month, in the other year, everyday of your life as you aged, from 0 to now. You dwell in the past, and you think about nothing of future. You are stuck. Nothing you can do. On your mind, others will see you as a burden, as nothing but a lump of meat, as something that should have been not existed on the first place. You are an error, a glitch in the matrix, a fault in the first place.
You don’t learn from the past, rather, you dwell in it. You feel like nothing is acceptable towards your behavior, and nothing is forgivable around yourself. Your body is sore, aching, your chest is heavy, your heart is broken, and you can’t do anything about it. You want to change, or you don’t. You live in the present, but your mind is in the past, and nothing else matter in the present, because you see everything in the past.
Your Eyes See Yourself, and You Don’t
Depression feels like you see yourself in the third perspective and your mind in the first one. You see yourself doing something harmful, laying in the bed all day, crying, having mental breakdown, feels like shit. Inside, what you see as yourself, trapped in the third perspective, can’t do nothing about it. You want to change, to move, to be better, to not dwell in the darkness, but your body and the ocean of the darkness of your mind says no. The monster inside you is your friend, but he is faraway deep down that darkness. You see nothing but darkness, and no light at the end of the tunnel. You are bearhugged by the darkness, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Self Talk, Fight Within Yourself, and The Inner Child Screaming for Help
You try to pep talk yourself, but nothing works. Then you try to fight the darkness which is yourself, and nothing works. You hear something faraway, and it is your inner child. He is screaming for help, you want to save him, but you can’t do things to save him. It is your trauma, your needs to be loved, to be cared for, to be searched, to be hugged, to have a shoulder to cry on, to be loved unconditionally, and to be understood. You can’t unlocked him, you can’t do things to save him, you have no solution. You can’t see anything, even if you want to. You just stood right there, hearing the painful scream of help, and you start to breakdown, crying as well, to how helpless you are, how unprepared you are, of how you powerless you are.
Death is a Choice, but Simply Not Existing is your Craving
In the end, you want to die. Slit your wrist, take a bunch of pill. But you have no courage to do it, or you have. You think again, you try to write a will, but you don’t. Or you do. You think about how many people will miss you, though you think you don’t matter. You think about how much people that love you will cry and tear apart when you die, though you don’t deserve to be loved. All of that contradictions comes to mind, you are more exhausted than ever. Because your mind try to perceive something you can’t control, and the worry of losing. You simply didn’t want to die, you just want to simply not exist.
Distractions, but Your Mind Doesn’t
You try to distract yourself, but your mind doesn’t cheated by your tricks. Hurting yourself even, just a temporary things to keep your mind dwelling into the pains. Try to shop, but your mind’s doesn’t even feel rewarded. You try to masturbate profusely, but your not feeling the climax. You want to learn new things, but your mind rejected the concept. You just dwell in the past, blame yourself, and nothing you can stop when your mind is stronger than your will, and yourself.
Emotional, But to Your Guilt.
You are crying profusely, everyday. Your past is the indicator of your guilt, shame, prove of how cumbersome and burden and undeserved of love you are. Your emotions plays a big role, and your brain just keep rewinding the past and the “what ifs”. Your interaction to other people in the present seems off, everything seems numb, and everything seems unsaturated. The color is greyed out, you don’t feel anything to every person. You, are emotionally detached from the world, and you are overly attached to your darkness, your depressed mind, your past.
Giving Up, or Rising Up
This is the part when you will question everything, and I will stopped from talking about my perspectives. Will you give up? Will you move on? Will you rise up above your depression? Will you die?
I still have this depression for a month and a half now, nearly two months. Starting from a burnout, then things go downfall.
I am in my grief now, and I am still in all of the phase I mentioned above. I seek professional help now, still not getting better, but the important thing is the step that you take. I start to write, this story, and writing two journals; gratitude journals, and journal of how I feel throughout the day and how I tell the journal of what I do. I pray now, and meditate too. I search for anything that will make me better eventually. Maybe not now, certainly, but maybe better days will come.
If you feel the same, please seek for professional help. Tell your trusted friends how you feel, and have a family or your closest one to company you if possible. Having depression is real, it is not in your mind, and there is no shame to seek mental health professional for help. There is no shame in having mental illness. There is no shame to be vulnerable, and show it to other person that you trust, or love. Seek support, seek help, don’t let yourself dwell further. You are not alone, but your feelings are all valid.
Depression is one of the most well-documented illness, but no one wants to talk about it. Break the stigma, save other’s life, and seek for help.