And In The End, I Hugged Myself Again in Morose: A Manifesto of Emotional Detachment.

Hey, Kevin here. It’s been a month and a half since i experienced depression. All the things are not going smoothly. There are some progress, but some are downfall. I think it is the depression in the nutshell; one day you have a jolly day and feels not too bad about yourself, like you are going to be okay and motivate yourself. Other days, not so much. You try to feel, but you just can’t. You are trapped inside your own mind, stuck in the past and there are no way to get out of it. You are just stuck in the moment, but moment ofthe past, not the present, and what ifs of the future.

Morose

The day that you don’t want. You just sank in silence, but you feel crowded, crowded by your own mind. In the brink of a dawn, you just laying in the bed, in fetal position, thinking about how failed you are as a human. How you are a liability. How faulty you are at the beginning of the conceptions. You are simply, hope to not be born.In the crowd, you are just, alone. Alone, without the feeling of wanting to know anyone or anything in the world. You, are morose. You are sad, but you don’t know what are you lamenting about.

You just happened to be here, in the world. Born by the procreation of your parents, but you, yourself, with your mind, don’t have something to offer. You are nothing of a service, a broken defected parts. You, you are sad. You just stuck, and all you can do is enjoying the sadness that you felt. Your mind wanders, but to nowhere, so many things to think about, yet you don’t have something to think about. You, you are sad. You just feel like you are a useless being that deserved everything that happened to you. Whenever you are around, death and misfortune just happens to be with you. You bring nothing but a sadness around the circle. You, are a jinx.

You, are morose. A human manifesto of the Pestilence.

Emotions, Detached

From the outside, you are just a sad human being. No one understands you. No one wants to, because they have many problems as well. People lamenting you, wants to bring happiness to you, wants to make you feel alright again. They bring something that you don’t want, like they bring towels and soap to your birthday, when all you want is a game console. No one understands. They love you, and you love them. You want them to understands. You hope they understands. You want comfort, you seek comfort. You are a captive of your mind. You try anything to be present to them, but you can’t, or you don’t. Your body is there, your mind is absence. Your emotions, detached.

They try many things to show that they care, they love you. You are not alone, they said. But you just don’t feel it. You can’t feel it. You are absence. Their love, you cannot see. You just want some other thing that you are being left out of. You just don’t want to see what they gave you, because you hope something different from different person. You feel lost. You feel nothing. You want to give back not because of their love. It is because you feel like a burden and you want to give back because you don’t feel good left them hanging out to dry. You are detached. You are emotionally detached from them. They don’t understand, they don’t know that the only thing that makes you fall is the only thing you want to make yourself rise again. You still hope and hope and hope, until you don’t know when, and people got tired of you, tired of giving and proving that they love you. You just can’t feel it. You just want to fix things. You just want to get yourself together again by fixing something that is so broken it makes your brain wounded badly.

You, are emotionally detached. You are present, but your heart doesn’t.

Struggle, of Warring with your own mind

You try hard to be better. Your own mind hold it back. All the things that you have, you sacrificed it to fix things. Nothing happened, no feedback, like screaming at the top of the mountain but no echoes. You hope for reciprocation, you are longing for it. But no. You hope that thing will fix, but it injures you more. Your body is decaying, because your mind ignored it. You are stuck. You just wants to fix anything. You just want to be fine. You just want to be remembered. But no. All distractions that you made, just coming to one thing; back to your memories of the past and what ifs. You struggle to fix yourself, but you have no energy for it. You just cry and cry and cry, hoping for things to be better. You hope that you can live happily again, and you hope that you can reciprocate the love and support of everybody when you fall, crash and burn, but you just can’t, you just stuck in that moment.

You are the captain of your destiny, they said. but you are in just a sinking ship, doomed from the start. Meds don’t work anymore, you just get stuck in the past. You try to write, try to read, try to do everything you can just to be better, but you can’t. You just stuck in the moment, and your mind don’t want to get out of it. It’s 4 a.m, you are awake, laying in your bed in fetal position, crying.

And You Hugged Yourself Again, in Morose.

“Now the drugs don’t work, they just make you worse, but I know I’ll see your face again.” – The Drugs don’t Work, The Verve.